On depression

And getting back on the horse.

Hi. Hello.

Perhaps you noticed that I’ve been radio silent for the past three months on here, and even longer on my podcast. Or maybe you haven’t.

I have.

Every single one of those days I’ve felt a deep tension, an almost painful reaction between the desire to create and the inner critic making sure I don’t. I’ve written about Resistance before and a bit about my battles with it, so I won’t belabor that one. Instead, I feel compelled to share something a little darker and more vulnerable. A part of me that I haven’t shared with too many others but has colored considerable portions of my adult life and very swiftly knocked me down at the end of 2024.

It’s a little hard and a little scary for me to write about depression because it’s always felt like something someone else has, not me. Like so much of what I do I feel like an impostor, a fraud. Weirdly, I feel kind of guilty and ashamed of what I’ve been dealing with, and part of me feels like it’s not real, as my problems pale in comparison to so many and so it makes me feel unable to talk about it openly.

To make a long story short, this past fall I experienced an intense stretch of depression. Like many, I’ve had periods of my adult life marked with low points, struggles with self-worth and motivation, etc. but this instance felt different, more extreme. Outwardly I was functioning decently, but inwardly I was falling apart. Through a combination of therapy and medication, I now feel more stable and have made a lot of progress in managing the worst of it.

I’m learning more and more that varying degrees of depression are prevalent. I feel very fortunate that I was able to catch it early on and have the resources and support available to take action. I’m inherently a very creative and athletic minded person, and feel that I’m most “in the flow” when I’m marrying these two pieces in a meaningful way. This summer I pushed myself to new places in this realm with my Tour Divide project - both physically and creatively. The come down from that was stark, and I found myself struggling to recenter with “purpose” and what was to come next. Depression and Resistance found their opening, taking advantage of this vulnerability, and made their move, effectively killing my motivation for creative pursuits.

As I tend to do, I run from facing the creative and self-guided path by filling my time hustling as one does in a ski town, crowding my days with coaching, making coffee and vegan food at a wonderful cafe, and spending my free time skimo racing and backcountry ski training. I’m working towards some big athletic goals while simultaneously feeling the pull of using my voice to share my experiences and inspire and support others. For me, chasing these objectives is 1000x more fulfilling when they are connected to something bigger and creative. It feels kind of painful to write this because it’s an endlessly spinning broken record but I really want to get back on the horse creatively.

Restart my podcast.

Write regularly.

Make videos.

But it’s challenging to get back on the horse when depression is lurking in the background, telling me I’m not good enough. That no one cares what I have to share. But I must take my own advice and push through the Resistance to start somewhere, start now. Depression and Resistance are defeated when you face them directly, and take those small steps to do the scary thing and put yourself out there.

So this is the first step in the process that I needed to do months ago, but was too afraid. I’m getting back on the horse, and starting with a mellow trot.

- jackson